Wednesday morning magazine roundup

Rolling Stone certifies Steven Tyler's ascension from "bad boy to America's sweetheart" in a striking cover shot, with Paul Simon's "long, restless journey of a musical genius" highlighted inside--thanks to his acclaimed new album So Beautiful Or So What. On a sober note, the mag also tallies 31 reactors that are just like Japan's in "Our nuclear nightmare."

Esquire, meanwhile, offers "way more music than usual" in May, and has its own striking cover boy in Jeff Bridges, in sharp-dressed rocker mode. As "The next life of Jeff Bridges" explains, "This time he's a singer. For real." For sure, for anyone who saw his remarkable Oscar-winning country singer turn in Crazy Heart knows he can sing up a storm; he's got an album on the way, and Twitter followers of Rosanne Cash know that she's guesting on it. Also noted are "50 songs every man should be listening to, including five that just might save Detroit," but we also note that in this section is a box written by our pal Dierks Bentley, the best of the contemporary country singer-songwriters, "Hot to write a song (for a woman)."

Manifesting "The Next Generation Leading Man," Mark Ruffalo takes the cover of Details, which otherwise fronts a lot of superlatives ("The best outdoor workouts," "The coolest spas in the world," "The sexiest new summer cocktail") while pondering the much-asked question: "Is skim milk making you fat?" Out stars a leading man of a different sort in its "The Making of Justin Bond: Meet the Artist Formerly Known as He" cover feature on "one of the great New York performers," according to Scissor Sisters' lead singer Jake Shears. We recently saw Shears, Bond and our pal Sandra Bernhard grace the Joe's Pub stage with their new production, Arts & Crafts, and can back up Shears' claim.

It's Steven Tyler, too, on the cover of People, declaring "I'm lucky to be alive!" and discussing his four kids, eight rehabs and "stunning comeback." Noted also are Katie Couric ("finding love again") and LeAnn and Eddie, whose wedding album is featured. Us Weekly has Khloe revealing how she's "tortured for her weight" (after her mom calls her fat!) and also divulges how Kate got ready for her big day. Kate, of course, is all over the place, what with two days to go to her big day. She and William are on the "collectors edition" of Life & Style Weekly (running a poor second are "How Brad betrayed Emily," "Rob & Kristen's secret honeymoon" and "Mob Wives confessions"). They're also on top of OK!, which includes a special British OK! section inside (and also has more on Emily's breakup).

But William and Kate are reduced to side column features on the covers of In Touch Weekly and Star. In Touch goes with Jen falling for Bradley on top--though her friends fear she's moving "too fast…again!" And at Star it's Sandra Bullock who's "betrayed again!"

Finally, Time Out New York brings us the apartments issue--and also shows where to watch and celebrate the royal wedding.

--jim bessman

Monday morning magazine roundup

Time is out with its "The Time 100" special double issue of the world's most influential people, with profiles promoted on the cover including Barack Obama's Gabrielle Giffords, Arnold Schwarzenegger's David Cameron, Usher's Justin Bieber and Rush Limbaugh's Michele Bachmann. As these four choices (and writers) suggest, the entire list is pretty questionable, to say the least. Other Time-declared notables pictured on the cover include Benjamin Netanyahu, Cory Booker, Joe Biden, Oprah Winfrey, Paul Ryan, Patti Smith, Colin Firth Michelle Obama and Mark Zuckerberg.

It's "America's Next Billionaires" over at Newsweek, with "those cute little" Olsen Twins on a cover that otherwise asks "Can Kate & Will save Britain?" and "Guess who hates Obama now?" (the answer to the latter question is Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas; the former proclaims that despite the Royal Wedding, England is "royally screwed"). But the mag might have sold more had it expanded its inside "America's Pot-Smoking Capitals" survey and splashed it on the cover; at least editor-in-chief Tina Brown eulogized tragically slain war photojournalists Chris Hondros and Tim Hetherington in her upfront essay, and ran a feature on the pair--with stark photos--inside.

The Royal Wedding is cartooned on the cover of The New Yorker, showing the unnerved couple hiding beneath the bedsheets from cameramen and the Royal Elders. Inside coverage concerns Britain's ambivalence to all the hullabaloo, with the main story being the apparent new "Obama doctrine." New York likewise wonders about the president in its "The Loneliness of the American Liberal" cover, featuring the picture of an old Volkswagen bug with an "Obama '08" bumper sticker--and a flat tire. Inside, "Beastie Boys, the early years" revisits the birth of the influential rock-hop trio on the 25th anniversary of its landmark album Licensed To Ill, and "How funny is Brian Williams?" asks a question that maybe should have been rhetorical.

Saturday Night Live's so-called "quiet genius" Lorne Michaels is on the cover of The Hollywood Reporter's "New York issue," and is also lionized as "comedy's most important man…ever" for making stars from Tina Fey to Will Ferrell to Jimmy Fallon. The issue also offers "The NYC Power List" of the heaviest hitters in Hollywood who live in New York, No. 1 being Rupert Murdoch (Michaels comes in at No. 15, Jon Stewart's No. 5) and an oral history of the Tribeca Film Festival, at age 10.

Finally, Billboard's "Latin Issue" highlights Luis Fonsi on the cover, and also offers five tips for getting your tunes on TV, ironically while asking "Big on YouTube: What's it really worth?" But we're most excited to see "6 Questions: Joe Jackson," since it answers when the next album by the great Brit piano pop star comes out: June 7, via Razor & Tie, Live Music.

--jim bessman

Gottfried's would welcome a "Gwyneth" magazine

Recent conjecture that Gwyneth Paltrow might start up her own lifestyle magazine a la Martha Stewart Living or Oprah Winfrey’s O is just fine by Gottfried’s.

“She’s uniquely positioned to speak to a wider audience,” Kenny observes. “She could cross over many magazine genres: home decoration and design, cooking, advice, health, entertainment. And she has a cool element that Martha and Oprah certainly do not have—she’s beautiful, she’s married to a rock star, and she’s worldly. She’s a mommy, a foodie, housewife and fitness freak. She could certainly pull it off as a ‘new wave’ Martha Stewart, able to reach a completely different demo from young moms to baby boomers and older women, across the board.”

Such speculation, of course, is not limited to Gottfried’s. The New York Post last week, in a story centering on Paltrow’s new cookbook My Father’s Daughter, quoted food and brand experts who agreed that she could indeed pull off a Gwyneth magazine, and noted the rumors that she is in fact teaming with Hearst to launch one—which Hearst denied.

Tellingly, the article also noted that the median age of Martha Stewart Living’s 11 million readers is 48.

“Gwyneth would inject new life into this kind of magazine,” says Kenny. “She’s really got it all, and we’re anxiously hoping for it and sorry that it’s not happening yet!”

--jim bessman

Wednesday Morning Magazine Roundup

This month’s Ms. is emphatic: “Rape is Rape (and not just when it’s 'forcible')." It also offers a fresh take on the Arab revolt, which is led, it says, by women.

At People, it’s Catherine Zeta-Jones battling bipolar disorder and taking us “inside her private struggle” (which would mean it’s no longer private, then). Also highlighted is a Demi Lovato “exclusive!” (“My time to heal”), Mariska Hargitay’s “baby joy!” and an 85-lb. lighter Aretha’s declaration: “I’m healthy!” Us Weekly has Dancing With The Stars’ behind-the-scenes “Meltdowns! Hookups! Feuds!”

It’s a big surprise at In Touch Weekly, what with Teen Mom “babies in danger,” not to mention “Corey hits Leah!” and “Jenelle abandons Jace.” And they, too, take us “inside Catherine’s private hell,” thereby taking it even more public. Over at Life & Style Weekly, we learn “why Emily left Brad,” with “Mariah’s baby joy” and “Suri’s late-night meltdown” also revealed.

Meanwhile, Lindsay is “wasted again,” “only in Star”—though it seems we’ve seen this elsewhere in many other mags, many times. Adding to the knowledge, Star puts up “J-Woww stabbed me & tried to kill me”—this shocker straight from her ex. And OK! USA, that is, “Only in OK!,” its another “Teen Mom exclusive” with Leah and Corey fighting for the twins. On a positive motherhood note, OK! also tells us that Kim will be the “best mom.”

Surface offers its annual design issue, while Elle Décor goes “alfresco style” and portrays “effortless elegance” on its luxury living room cover, with the promise of top designers redefining glamour inside.

Ashley Judd brightens the cover of More, which offers an excerpt of her “ferociously frank and insightful” new memoir All That Is Bitter & Sweet. Harper’s Bazaar has a rather tame Lady Gaga gracing its “Hot Fashion Issue” (also including a “shopping special”) and InStyle has Kate Hudson “on her new man, new baby and new body.”

Scream 4’s Emma Roberts fronts Seventeen and reveals “the flirting trick that gets her the best guys.” Another “exclusive” report on Demi Lovato’s “road to recovery” quotes the troubled starlet admitting “I basically had a nervous breakdown.”

Brides has a timely royal wedding special collector’s edition, but excellent commoner marriage material can be found on the Colbie Caillat cover of Fitness, which accompanies her “body-confidence secrets.” But sorry, guys, she’s taken. Shape competes with it’s Jillian Michaels cover, in which The Biggest Loser star “talks openly about her own struggles with weight and body confidence.” Clearly, one can’t get too much body confidence.

Time Out New York plays on the famous 1932 New York Construction Workers Lunching on a Crossbeam photo in its “Your perfect lunch” cover, though it only has three lunch mates on a girder (the original had 11!). Inside are 250 “delicious reasons to take a break.” The Atlantic’s “Culture Issue” examines “how genius works” by delving into “the creative thinking” of Paul Simon, Chuck Close, Sarah Ruhl, Lupe Fiasco, Frank Gehry and Tim Burton.

Spin puts Fleet Foxes’ Robin Pecknold on the cover, the story concerning the making of “the year’s most beautiful album” (Helplessness Blues). Inside features include Foo Fighters, TV On The Radio and Little Dragon, with “Explosions In The Sky and the greatest rock instrumentals” particularly piquing our interest.

Finally, Conde Nast Traveler takes us to the 124 “best new hotels in the world,” with the St. Regis Lhasa Resort in Tibet pictured on the cover.

--jim bessman

Monday morning magazine round-up

Cute Easter illustration on The New Yorker's cover, with the bunny wearing the bonnet and the lady wearing bunny ears. The gatefold wonders if the biggest North American oil strike in decades, in North Dakota, can safely relieve the energy crisis. Timely features include “Obama and the Budget War” and editor David Remnick’s essay on Malcolm X, now the subject of a much heralded biography by the late Manning Marable.

New York’s overlapping airplanes illustration suggests its “Around the World in 156 Pages” cover story, entailing the “urbanist”’s guide to Paris, Moscow, London, Los Angeles, Bangkok, Rio and Cairo.

Time has an infernal image from Oxford Science Archive corresponding with its “What If There’s No Hell?” cover story concerning rogue Pastor Rob Bell’s case against eternal damnation. As managing editor Richard Stengel notes, it comes 45 years after the mag’s historic “Is God Dead?” cover. Of interest inside is “Trump’s political reality show,” and one story that no one will read, let alone heed: “How to cut a trillion from defense.”

Newsweek goes clever with “The Beached White Male” on the cover, all wet and washed up on the shore without the "big job, big office and big bonus," and, to once again show off the magazine’s new, hip (read: vulgar) Daily Beast edge, without “a freakin’ prayer.” Sticking with sensationalism, it also highlights “Arnold [Schwarzenegger]’s wild road trip,” “The killer stalking Long Island” and “The smoking rage of Italian women.” On a sober note, editor-in-chief Tina Brown, who merged her Daily Beast site with Newsweek in taking on the top role of both, eulogizes Sidney Harman, the remarkable audio pioneer who bought the magazine last year, who died last week.

Entertainment Weekly offers its “Summer Movie Preview” double issue covering 101 films and describing the set of the final Harry Potter. The Hollywood Reporter also weighs in with its summer movie special, and groups Thor stars Kenneth Branagh, Chris Hemsworth and Anthony Hopkins on the cover to go with its “Marvel’s $150 Million Gamble” feature. The great director Sidney Lumet is memorialized inside by luminaries including Al Pacino and Candice Bergen. Our favorite Lumet film? The Verdict (1982, starring Paul Newman).

Billboard fronts “The Accidental Rise & Inevitable Success of Glee’s Darren Criss.” We hesitate to use “inevitable” in noting that the Glee cast has now landed 131 singles on the Hot 100—collectively surpassing Elvis Presley in becoming the biggest charting collective act ever. But inevitable definitely works in reporting that radio is now jumping on the bandwagon after resisting to play Glee’s cover songs for two years. And we’ll also make note of the inside “Impulse’s First 50 Years” story, which celebrates the legendary jazz label’s half-century anniversary, and the “A Monumental Talent” special feature on the 75th anniversary of the birth of Roy Orbison, which is also being observed with a new set of his classic Monument label singles.

And speaking of inevitable, Legacy Magazines in England has issued in the U.S. The Royal Wedding--Exclusive Collectors' Edition, Part 1. Finally, we draw attention, not so much to the "[Christine] Quinn's Dilemma" cover story of this week's Crain's New York Business, but to the "Magazine's stage a comeback" story below it. Apparently, states the lead, "the obituary for the magazine industry was written too soon." Magazine advertising is up, it says, thanks to digital and print options.

--jim bessman

wednesday Morning Magazine Roundup

It’s the spring style issue over at Quest, with Punch Hutton at work wearing Carolina Herrera and the “Best-dressed list 2011” inside. “Hollywood’s ice-hot blonde” January Jones nicely fills out the cover of W, on which she gushes “I love girdles.” The “Fashion Forecast” inside includes “color, prints, punk!” with other features including “Silvia Fendi: Patron of the crafts” and “At home with fashion darling Alexander Wang.”

Vogue tells us that cover girl and “America’s sweetheart” Reese Witherspoon is toughening up, and also  offers “Style in the City” features including “Effortless looks for summer” and “Winning bags & shoes.” The lush locks of The Hunger Games star Jennifer Lawrence are featured on the cover of Teen Vogue as a tie-in with its “Sunny style” suggestions.

Lauren Conrad “talks scandals and surgery” at Allure, which also covers “Backstage beauty: Cool hair & makeup trends to try right now.”

Over at Marie Claire Lea Michele confronts “the rumors! gossip! drama!” on its cover, which also promotes “Fabulous Fashion” stories showcasing shoes, bags and “swimsuits for every body and budget.” Elle’s music issue has Gwen Stefani on the cover and tells of her style and the return of her band No Doubt; other music features involve Adele, Robyn, Jennifer Hudson, Stevie Nicks, Nicki Minaj, Florence Welch and Aretha, not to mention the “exclusive” partying with Beyonce, Rihanna, J-Lo and Jay-Z.

Give it up for Jennifer Lopez’s comeback. Her judge’s turn on American Idol has brought her the cover of People as the “World’s Most Beautiful Woman.” The special double issue also features 95 other “fabulous faces" (Mila Kunis and Ryan Reynold get little pictures on the cover) and has a 10-page royal wedding guide. People’s May Style Watch issue, meanwhile, fronts “Reese’s natural look” on its cover; her honeymoon is hyped at US Weekly, along with Scarlett moving in with Sean and “Tori & Dean’s Baby No. 3.” But the US cover goes to Carrie Underwood’s life-changing marriage to Mike Fisher.

At OK we learn that Teen Mom Leah got dumped by Corey—who’s taking the twins! But it’s “A Ring for Kim” at Life & Style, said ring being “just like Liz Taylor”’s. More earth-shattering, though, is the inside story on how Courteney took Jen’s man.

Back at the royal wedding, it’s a “Pregnant Bride” for William, says a “palace tattletale.” Another shocking revelation: If it’s a girl, they’ll name her Diana. But for Khloe and Lamar, apparently, the honeymoon is over. In Touch is a little late on the royal pregnancy, as it reports that the couple are merely “ready for baby!” But the rag is definitely on top when it comes to “Scarlett’s secret bump,” though the cover goes to the Leah-Corey split.

For the men, it’s Dancing With The Stars’ Karina Smirnoff taking it all off for Playboy, which also has an interview (clothed) with Barney Frank, a 2011 baseball preview, “Dispatches from the Middle East” and “This year’s top party schools.” Maxim offers Fast Five’s “perfect 10” Jordana Brewster and goes Wired with “25 best new gadgets.” But after reading the unappetizing “I can taste my spleen!” “in the Octagon with Georges St. Pierre” MMA story, we hobbled over to Men’s Health for the infinitely more palatable “Better sex diet.” By the way, Thor “warrior-god” star Chris Hemsworth is on the cover—wearing a J.Crew T-shirt.

GQ plays up the return of “Zach is back” Galifianakis (“with an even bigger ‘Hangover’”). Inside is a “Get set for spring” feature detailing “how to look great in the warmer days ahead.”

Finally, Time Out New York goes with the best new under-the-radar, “perfect style” indie shops on its cover, and offers a pullout guide to the Tribeca Film Festival.

--jim bessman

Monday morning magazine round-up

New York is big business this week with “The Post-Crash: Wall Street Won,” though it also asks: “So why is it so worried.” Accompanying the fistful-of-collars cover shot are other featured articles including “The ballsiest billionaires” and “America’s richest cult is a hedge fund.” “Faith-based shut-down politics” gets short shrift in a tiny box on the cover, but the Intelligencer post is definitely worth the read.

The New Yorker, meanwhile, has an enticing illustration of an island paradise, accompanied by “Journeys” stories including Jonathan Franzen’s “On Crusoe’s Island” and Claudia Roth Pierpont’s “Arabian Adventures.” Hendrik Hertzberg also reports on “The Guantanamo Quagmire.”

Time suggests that most Americans can’t agree on what the Civil War was about in its “150th Anniversary of the Civil War” cover, which depicts a weeping Abraham Lincoln. (Spoiler alert: It was about slavery.) Other stories include Joe Klein’s take on “The climate in Cairo” and Fareed Zakaria’s on Obama’s response to “Paul Ryan’s Gamble.” Over at Newsweek it’s “Inside the Gabby Giffords Drama”—a story none of us must forget. Interesting, though, that in “The 20 stupidest laws in America,” as cited by everyone from ex-NFL commish Paul Tagliabue (“increase visa cap for highly skilled workers”) to Vince Gill (“ease import-export documentation”), no one mentions the dumbest law of all—marijuana prohibition. Too obvious.

Ghostface is the star of Entertainment Weekly’s “Scream returns!” cover hyping “the bloody battle over Scream 4” with recollections on the original Scream by stars Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Drew Barrymore and Neve Campbell.

Billboard has a confrontational Brad Paisley on the cover declaring that country music “is a format that isn’t afraid.” He explains inside that country artists sing about things that other people don’t sing about, that an artist can have on the same album songs about patriotism, faith, divorce and the beach—and that country stations will play them. “There’s nothing off limits,” he says. Oh yeah? Ask the Dixie Chicks, or any other country artist—and there are many others—who question patriotism, faith, faithfulness and the polluted beach just how unafraid the mainstream country music industry really is.

Finally, Forbes’ fronts “The 100 Most Powerful Venture Capitalists” (the photo goes to Accel Partners’ Jim Breyer). But inside is “Body & Mind: A track-your-life revolution begins.” It’s about the “Quantified Self” phenomenon, or self-tracking, by which people obsessively track biometric, behavioral and environmental information with smartphone applications and body-monitoring devices in striving for self-improvement. Sounds to us like too much information.

Wednesday Morning Magazine Roundup

“It’s all about the babies!” declares the cover of Life & Style, in what some might find a daring nude shot of very pregnant Mariah Carey. At least it was daring years back when Demi Moore struck a similar pose on the cover of Vanity Fair. Here it seems kind of tame, especially when paired with OK USA’s cover of “More Teen Mom Babies!,” which at one time would definitely have been scandalous and now is scandalously celebrated.

In keeping with the theme, OK also has “Khloe & Reese pregnancy news,” taking us over to Redbook, which splashes “The Kardashians Talk!” on the cover and promises to reveal “Baby plans!” and “Body secrets!” inside. OK, too, cites “Britney’s strange behavior”—an opposite stance than US Weekly’s, which fronts a great head shot of Brit and tells of her “new life,” i.e., what “she’s learned” and her “life with her boys and whether she’ll marry again.”

US also flaunts Courteney’s “secret fling” with her co-star. In Touch likewise devotes the bulk of its cover to Kendra & Hank, “Torn apart by Another Woman,” but also features its own “Teen Mom Exclusive” and “Kailyn’s Pregnancy Scare.” Star, too, picks up on Courteney’s “Double Cross” with Josh Hopkins (after she fixed him up with Jen!), but goes with the explosive “blow-up!” brought on by Brad getting “caught in nude scandal with sexy co-star!” Looks like Life & Style’s late on this one, though, as they have new photos of “Brad & Angie’s dream home.”

After all this we had to open up Time Out New York’s “Food & Drink Awards 2011” cover story naming “the city’s best restaurants and bars.” But maybe we drank too much: After checking out Cosmopolitan’s “75 sex moves men crave” we quickly lost count, and passed out—of course--before getting to the “sex position [that] increases female orgasm by 56%.” Alluring cover, though, of Paramore’s Hayley Williams.

Nice shot, too, of Wendy Williams on the cover of Essence, which additionally focuses on “Real stories of amazing friends.” Stephanie Seymour graces the cover of Town & Country with her story “on recovering her life and marriage.”

Over at Nylon it’s Dave Grohl on the cover. But while he predictably discourses “on the best—and loudest—Foo Fighters album in years”—says Nylon—lead time was too long to get into his running feud with Glee for not allowing it to use his music in the show. But we also liked the inside story on Benedikt Taschen’s “publishing revolution”: Publisher Taschen puts out the most extraordinary books, including GOAT--Greatest Of All Time, the Muhammad Ali book to end all Muhammad Ali books—20 x 20-inches, 75 pounds, 792 pages, priced at $4,500 for the “Collector’s Edition,” $15,000 for a special “Champ’s Edition.” Happy to learn they recently put out an “affordable” $150 version.

And speaking of collectors, Mojo commemorates the 10th anniversary of Joey Ramone’s death with a Ramones cover, with a special The Roots Of The Ramones CD attached. Gives us the chance here to promote the first book about the Ramones—Ramones: An American Band—written by one Jim Bessman and still in print, we think!

--jim bessman

The Man on the Street

I walk the same streets twice a day at least and don’t notice a thing.

Buildings come down, buildings go up. Bars and restaurants close and reopen. I walk without my glasses and see nothing; hard of hearing I hear nothing.

Not Nick. Eyes like the hawks he studies, Nick sees all, knows all.

“See that soup kitchen,” he glances in the direction of a long line of supplicants on 28th Street while barreling down 9th Ave in Gottfried’s delivery truck. “There’s a guy at Sony making $1,200 a week going to a soup kitchen for free meals!”

Nick, who’s been a main man at Gottfried’s since 1998, started here after walking into the Sony Building location with magazines to deliver--eventually endearing himself to Kenny.

“See these cars and pickup trucks with the tinted windows in the front?” Nick asks. We’re now in Chelsea, rounding the Chelsea Market, to be exact. We have a furniture pickup there, from a fashion shoot.

“It’s illegal to have tinted windows in the front,” Nick says. “These cars belong to prison guards. See the ones with the side-view mirrors pushed in? Same thing. It means the drivers are on duty.”

The drivers are prison guards, on duty. They’re all from Westchester, he explains.

“They’re changing shifts now. See there’s one,” he points at a man with short hair and a black backpack. I ask how he knows.

“The pack,” he says. “There’s another.”

He points out three more. They all look alike.

I ask how they get away with the tinted windows.

“Who’s there to tell them otherwise?” he says, laughing. I laugh, too.

We circle the block and come to the Chelsea Market loading dock. Eyes like a hawk, Nick focuses on a man in a parked car across the street.

“You have to have a card,” he says. I wait for more information, which is directly forthcoming.

“See the policeman?” Yes, I respond, as a policeman approaches the car. “Look. The guy has a PBA card. Whenever you have a card, you won’t get a ticket.”

Sure enough, the cop exchanges a few words with the guy, then walks away. Patrolmen's Benevolent Association. Not to be confused with Professional Bowlers Association. I have a friend who has one of those.

We back our truck into the loading dock.

“You know, you can walk all the way through Chelsea Market from Ninth Avenue to Tenth Avenue,” Nick said. Of course, I did not know that.

We go to the freight elevator with the dolly and blankets, for which to retrieve and return the $10,000 book shelf we dropped off at The Space on sixth floor two days ago. I don’t know what country the delivery dock manager is from, and I have no idea why he’s telling me to google to get the elevator.

That’s because what he’s really saying is that someone on one of the three Google floors has left the freight elevator door open—hence, we’re stuck waiting 10 minutes until someone can be contacted and told to close it. It’s not advertised, I learn, but Google’s New York headquarters is right here.

Elevator down, we go up to The Space, wrap up the case and wheel it back, bring it down, roll it into the truck and we’re off. We drive past a line of tinted cars and pickup trucks, their side-view mirrors pushed in.

“That’s the prison, right there,” Nick says, pointing to a building across Tenth Avenue, with windows on the first few floors, none above.

“They’re not going to give you a view!” he says, laughing at me. He expected the question and answered it unasked.

He suddenly rolls down his window and yells at a man on a bicycle. I don’t know what he’s saying; Nick’s Jamaican accent sometimes requires translation.

“He’s a messenger,” he says. “I know him. He’s from Guyana.”

He asks if I have a bike, and laughs again when I say no.

“Birds have wings, we have feet!” he says. “You don’t have a bike? You’re too funny!”

Nick, who does have a bike, laughs again. I laugh, too, but not because I don’t have a bike. I laugh because if I did have a bike, I’m not sure I’d no how to ride it—even if it is as simple as riding a bike.

I say nothing to Nick as we roll up Tenth.

--jim bessman

Monday morning magazine round-up

Better late than never, Entertainment Weekly offers its special “Remembering Elizabeth Taylor” tribute, but the cover belongs to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who—you guessed it—is “back!” Also inside is the “Black Swan Scandal,” which, if you didn’t know, is about “how much dancing did Portman really do?” But if you really want an expert’s opinion on Black Swan, dig up Newsweek’s take of a few weeks ago by my friend Toni Bentley, the former Ballanchine ballerina-turned-brilliant essayist/author, who thought the film showed an inaccurate picture of the ballet world.

People seems late, too, even if it is current with its “World Exclusive Photos” cover of “Reese’s Dream Day,” i.e., the “Celebrity Wedding of the Year!” Small upper corner pix present “Ashley Judd’s Shocking Memoir” and “Suri Turns 5!”

Newsweek might as well be People, what with “Kate the Great” on the cover and its own wedding hype (“In a world gone to hell—thank God, a wedding”). In keeping with sensationalism, it places “The Military’s Male-Rape Secret” atop the title, and also highlights “How Kabbalah Killed Madonna’s Charity.” Oh, well. Without a new earthquake, celebrity death or military involvement, it's a slow news week. Too bad Time likely loses out with its serious “Environment Special” and cover shot of “[The] Rock [that] could power the world”: Geologists will recognize the rock in question as shale, which the magazine suggests “can solve the energy crisis.” Inside stories include Joe Klein’s “People power for Palestine,” along with a “Batter up!” guide to the 2011 baseball season.

But The New Yorker’s cover draws attention to the week’s real sports story—The Masters. The clever painting has a hapless golfer up a tree, where his ball has landed on a branch. The gallery watching intently is made up of birds. The big story inside is “The Next Revolution?,” about Yemen’s dictator Ali Abdullah Saleh, who has been an ally in the war on terror. Other stories are “Hollywood’s funny-girl problem,” about Anna Faris, and “Robert Murdoch’s press warrior,” about Wall Street Journal managing editor Robert Thomson. But there’s no Masters coverage, though today's papers and Web sites are full of 25th anniversary look-backs at Jack Nicklaus’s magical Back Nine of the Fourth Round at Augusta in 1986.

New York, meanwhile, has its first annual “Yesterday’s New York” issue, and devotes the cover entirely to “The Apartment—A History of Vertical Living”: The top half is a color shot of Diane Von Furstenberg’s luxurious domicile, with the bottom actor/poet Taylor Mead’s cluttered bedroom—both exemplifying “the grandest, the smallest, the highest, the scariest….” “Tomorrow’s neighborhoods today” is an inside feature.

And speaking of split-cover clutter, Billboard pictures an upside-down RedOne in its top-half “From Gaga to U2: Turning pop’s new sound around with RedOne,” which is accompanied inside by talk from other top producers. The bottom half leads with “What the music biz can learn from the NYT’s paywall” and also directs readers to “Katy Perry: 4 No. 1s from ‘Teenage Dream,’” “Managing Beyonce: Who will step in?” and “No pub, no prob: Azoff’s Live Nation wants Warner’s recorded music ops,” among others.

jim bessman

The Bronx Zoo Cobra and the rescued orangutan orphans of Borneo

Teimoc, my judo/jujitsu teacher, was just back from snorkeling in the Caymans, prompting me to relate my one experience swimming with the fish.

It was some 10 years ago, back in the day when record companies would take music journalists on weekend junkets to fun places like Key Largo to see their new acts in exotic showcases. You'd fly down on Friday, see a showcase Friday night, participate in recreational activities on Saturday, see another showcase Saturday night, fly back on Sunday.

I can't remember who they were showcasing, though it might have been Billy Ray Cyrus. But I do know I was the only one to choose Snuba on Saturday, from a menu also including golf, snorkeling, spa, shopping or snoozing on the beach. Snuba, I learned, was a poor man's scuba, requiring an hour in the pool to learn how to breathe through a mask and clear your ears, then boating out to John Pennekamp Coral Reef State Park and go diving, breathing through a 30-foot hose attached to an oxygen tank floating above on a rubber raft.

Like I told T, I can't tell one fish from another, except, that is, for a shark. A shark is a shark. There's no mistaking a shark. Any shark.

Sure enough, I got lucky. I got three feet from a nurse shark, itself no more than three feet long. It was probably more scared of me than I of it, for it raced away when I turned towards it. I told T my bad joke about how even though it was a nurse shark, it didn't bring me any meds.

But I told T my one memorable realization from that moment. All those fish in the ocean, and the shark in particular, are supposed to be there. You aren't. What happens to you in that moment, unless you have a speargun, is really up to them.

Here T related how for pretty much that reason, he doesn't like going to zoos anymore, where kidnapped wild animals are kept in captivity. He'd completely missed out on the Bronx Zoo Cobra, so I quickly brought him up to speed on the deadly baby Egyptian cobra that had escaped from its cage and inspired a Twitter account and merchandise line--and captured the country's imagination during its five days on the lam.

"Bronx Zoo Cobra found. All hope gone," I myself tweeted yesterday upon word of its recapture. What was I hoping for? a Facebook friend wondered. "Freedom!" I replied. I told this to T via cell phone as I approached the AMC Lincoln Square IMAX theater for a screening of the extraordinary IMAX 3D documentary Born To Be Wild 3D, which opens April 8.

The film follows world-renowned primatologist Dr. Biruté Mary Galdikas through the rainforests of Borneo, and celebrated elephant authority Dr. Dame Daphne M. Sheldrick across the rugged Kenyan Savannah, as they and their teams rescue, rehabilitate and return orphaned orangutans and elephants back to the wild.

Orphaned, of course, because of irresponsible if not outright evil human behavior. Galdikas notes that orangutans are on the verge of extinction as their habitat continues to be disrupted by poaching, illegal logging, and palm oil plantations whose ubiquitous byproduct--cheap vegetable oil--is used in everything from junk food to soap, cosmetics and bio-fuels. Elephants likewise continue to be poached for ivory.

"They [Galdikas and Sheldrick] are heroes of the earth in the truest sense,” says director writer/producer Drew Fellman in the production notes (Fellman previously worked on IMAX’s Under the Sea 3D). Says narrator Morgan Freeman: "When one out of a million people steps up and says, ‘I’ll take responsibility, I’ll do this,’ it shows an enormous amount of courage and a real dedication to life. And any life is all life on this planet.”

The documentary is simply fabulous. Toddler elephants seem to walk right over, within hand's reach, to be petted. A baby orangutan appears to be two feet away as it looks straight at us, its bath water practically dripping into our laps. Jungle vegetation extends over the heads of the viewers in the row in front while you jerk your head to dodge a bug flying out of the screen.

But when you get past the spectacular 3D effects, you're essentially left looking into a mirror--a severely cracked mirror.

Elephants, we learn, value family as much as we do, hence it takes a virtual herd of people to care for the orphans. We watch these remarkable people slather sunscreen onto the ears of the baby elephants, whose slain mothers would otherwise have protected them with the shade of their bodies. One orphan's tail is missing, bitten off by hyenas when it stayed with the corpse of its mother. We watch another being lured away from a herd of huge bull elephants, any one of which could turn over a truck, but are powerless when it comes to providing the milk the baby needs in order to live.

I left the theater thinking back on the horrific video of GoDaddy CEO Bob Parsons' recent "problem elephant" hunt three weeks ago in Zimbabwe. "Of everything I do, this is the most rewarding," he boasts in the video.

And the problem? Elephants, apparently, like to run free. And being big creatures, they tend to trample the sorghum fields that encroach upon their habitat.

"They've been here three nights in a row and we hope they come back for a fourth--and if they do, well, we're gonna be here to greet 'em," says Parsons in the graphic clip, and by "greet 'em," he doesn't mean gifting them with a fruit basket and key to the city. No, he and his "team" of brave men with their high-powered rifles open fire on three bulls in the middle of the night. We see Bob fire twice, sparks flying out of his gun.

"Both shots hit home," we are informed. A skilled marksman, Bob has indeed killed an elephant the size of a barn from maybe 15 feet.

I'll leave the rest of the slaughter and butchering to the imagination--especially as the video is easily accessible. Besides, I had a different image in mind as I boarded the No. 2 train downtown: The face of an orangutan, old enough to be put back into the wild, being released from its transporting steel crate into the Seruyan Forest of Borneo, with an unforgettable look of wonder.

Freedom!