Monday morning magazine roundup

Yes, it's Tuesday, but we're too lazy to change the title.

Newsweek scares us with its "Weather Panic" cover, the twister pictured suggesting that "this is the new normal (and we're hopelessly unprepared)." Scarier still is this inside story: "Is Lady Gaga the new Oprah?" And if you aren't hiding under the covers by now, this should put you down for good: "Building the perfect Republican."

Time also highlights "In the twister's path--What's behind the worst tornado season in 50 years?" on its front, with the cover going to a cartoon brain representing "The Science of Optimism" ("Hope isn't rational," it says, "so why are humans wired for it?" Clearly, they didn't talk to us.)

Entertainment Weekly's special "Best of Summer" double issue has "the irresistible" Jason Bateman buried up to his neck in sand with a seagull perched on his head. No Gaga, but they are "on tour with Katy Perry." Inside, too, is a reading list from Stephen King and "the last hurrah" of Harry Potter.

The New Yorker has a funny cover of a smoker, salt user and carb loader pilloried on a New York sidewalk, with instructions not to feed the "backsliders." "Sex in High Places" is the big story, which asks specifically if Italy has finally had enough of Berlusconi, "and the sexist culture he embodies." Seymour Hersh also gauges how real Iran's nuclear threat is--or isn't.

New York looks at the Long Island serial killer in its cover feature, inside stories including "the man who was cured of AIDS," "Andrew Cuomo, Gay-Marriage broker" and "Rahm's Chicago."

The Hollywood Reporter goes with James Cameron and Michael Bay on its "How to Build a Better Blockbuster" cover. Highlighted, too, is its "Emmy's 2011 Kickoff," and former manager and Helen Reddy ex Jeff Wald's "I was a Hollywood addict" confession--which we passed on, figuring the story's been told at least a million times before.

Finally, Billboard pats itself on the back with a "Beyonce Makes History--at the 2011 Billboard Music Awards" cover. Apparently, hers is/was "the performance of a lifetime," though whose lifetime is not revealed.

Wednesday morning magazine roundup

So we just finished watching the first season of The Borgias and its dramatization of Pope Alexander VI (not as good as Showtime's preceding The Tudors), and here's Harper's with a cover of the Holy Bible ("Re-imagining, revising, and refuting The Bible--The King James Version turns 400).

On a more worldly plane, Out is out with "Red Hot and Blue--Summer of Adele"--though a ticket scalper I ran into Sunday night outside the Beacon for the first of three incredible Elvis Costello shows was blown away that kids were spending $500 for tickets for her recent New York show (he didn't like the show  even though she has a great voice, he said; we'd love to have seen it anyway).

Rolling Stone's getting a lot of predictable play on its "Monster Goddess--A wild week with Lady Gaga" feature, though we find the cover unattractive, if relatively toned-down. Of more interest here might be Tim Dickinson's special report, "Inside the Fox News Fear Factory." Inside, too, are "American Idol vs. The Voice--TV's biggest battle" and "The return of The Cars."

Spin goes with a Summer Live Guide, but the cover focuses on "The New Americana Revolution," picturing England's Mumford & Sons and showing "how a band of Brits are leading the charge." The ish also features The Felice Brothers, The Low Anthem and The Head and The Heart. And by the way, Mumford & Sons were just nominated for New/Emerging Artist and Duo/Group of the Year by the Americana Music Association, which announced the nominees for its 2011 Honors & Awards Show Monday in New York.

The cover of Health shows True Blood's Anna Paquin, and promises to reveal the fun way she stays so sleek (we gave in and peeked: It's boxing). Bazaar has a pretty pic to go with its "Britney's back" cover proclamation, though the issue's big theme is the new fashion season, for which it features a preview and unwary report.

People's got exclusive photos to go with its "Kim's Engaged!" thriller, with "all the details of the incredible proposal." Also new details of "Maria's torment"--Shriver, that is. But it's rather jarring to see a small "Heartbreak and Hope" rescue picture form Joplin, Mo., beneath a "Blake & Leo heating up!" pic.

Us give us its timely "Hot Bodies" special issue, with Kourtney Kardashian (thanks, Ali, for the ID!) and Carrie Underwood showing off their bikini bods on the cover. Sister Khloe's readily identified in a small pic on OK! USA's cover, with Biggest Loser winner Olivia's before-and-after photos documenting her shrinkage from 261 lbs to 132 accompanying the major feature. Star's got the inside scoop on Maria and "you're a pig!" Arnold's "final showdown." In Touch goes with New Jersey Housewives Teresa's shocking split and admission that "fame destroyed my family," though her cover pic with the kids shows them looking anything but destroyed. And just when you thought there could possibly be a week with no Jen, she shares the cover with Leo's latest, Blake Lively, and looks to be basking in the warmth of her "gushing" new man.

Finally Time Out New York offers 100-plus of our city's coolest singles, along with 100 best date places, all in time for Memorial Day weekend.

Bob Dylan at 70, Jim Bessman at 58

With today being Bob Dylan's 70th birthday, just about everyone has celebrated with major magazine features, blog tributes and Facebook video sharing. I'm no exception, except that I took a negative tack.

Sure I was influenced by Dylan growing up. Twelve years older, he was one of my biggest influences in high school, for the usual reasons. Alienated, against the war, supporting Civil Rights and doing drugs, Dylan covered all these bases and more for a troubled teen who appropriated the battle cry in "The Times They Are A-Changin'," directed at "mothers and fathers throughout the land" with a warning not to criticize "what you don't understand," whose "old road [was] rapidly agin'": "Please get out of the new one if you can't lend a hand…."

But after the the trilogy of great electric albums of 1965 and 1966--Bringing It All Back Home, Highway 61 Revisited and Blonde On Blonde--I gradually lost interest. There were high points on the succeeding John Wesley Harding, Nashville Skyline, Self Portrait and New Morning, to be sure--even his Born Again albums and beyond--but to me he'd lost his edge and lyrical relevance.

Then again, I, too, had moved on musically. Come 1970--my senior year in high school--I had begun moving away from the Top 40 and the progressive rock genre that the '60s had spawned and immersing myself in country music, via the radio, and the roots American music genres, via the public library. And this is where I, personally, still owe the most to Bob Dylan.

Those first acoustic and definitely folk Dylan albums were a product of Dylan's study of folk music, heavy on Woody Guthrie and Lead Belly, famously, and the Sing Out! and Broadside magazines and Vanguard and Folkways labels types who made up the early '60s Greenwich Village scene that Dylan gravitated to from Minnesota--names like Joan Baez, Richard & Mimi Farina, Dave Van Ronk, Ramblin' Jack Elliot, to name a few. But those first recordings also descended from the folk and country blues greats like Jesse Fuller, Bukka White and Blind Lemon Jefferson--all of whom were directly covered on his 1962 debut album Bob Dylan.

As I was only 10 in 1962, I had to go back and hear these albums after discovering him, probably around 1965 when he went electric and hit big on the pop singles chart with "Like A Rolling Stone," and I became aware that Peter, Paul and Mary's "Blowin' In The Wind," The Byrds' "Mr. Tamborine Man" and The Turtles' "It Ain't Me, Babe" were Dylan covers. From there it was hours and hours at the library listening to that early source material and then expanding upon it, such that the Newport Folk Festival albums on Vanguard, for instance, not only led me to blues but bluegrass, old-timey, gospel, Cajun, Sacred Harp, Georgia Sea Island and other music genres that I never knew existed; looking back, I can understand why that purist folkie 1965 Newport audience booed him when he came out with a rock band.

For sure, it wasn't any rock band that Dylan introduced his electric rock sound with, but Paul Butterfield's blues band (minus Butterfield, and with keyboard players Al Kooper and Barry Goldberg). And it was the blues that I focused on, harmonica blues, especially, thanks to Dylan's harmonica playing. I even bought a 10-hole Marine Band harp in every key and taught myself how to get a single note and bend the low draw notes--but that was about as far as I got. But to this day I know a good harp player when I hear one, and have long been friends with some of the top ones--all because of the Minnesota kid with the harmonica rack around his neck whom this Wisconsin boy admired.

I'm sure I'm not alone in any of the above, not by a long shot. But I did face criticism from a Facebook friend for a piece I wrote last week at examiner.com that reviewed the controversy over Dylan's recent trip to China: Some observers, most notably The New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd, slammed Dylan for not performing his 1960s protest classics "Blowin' In The Wind" and "The Times They Are A-Changin'." I suggested, as have others, that Dylan long ago left that part of his career behind, and has pretty much dismissed it in his interviews and memoir.

Which brings me to what I've long felt about Dylan, that there's no there, there, other than what you and I project upon him from our own tastes, reactions, interpretations--as with any other artist, I know, though magnified in the context of this true cultural giant, whose work has prompted such intense reaction and interpretation for 50 years. We take from him what we bring to him, and much of what I bring to Bob Dylan, now, is what I originally got from him.

The flip side of projection, though, is expectation, and when those expectations aren't met they lead to disappointment followed inevitably by divorce. In the case of me and Dylan, I'd say the divorce is no-fault: I wanted something, unrealistically perhaps, that he would or could no longer deliver, that is, if he really did in the first place. My Facebook friend--who hasn't unfriended me yet, though maybe he will now!--felt after all he has done, Dylan is entitled to a "victory lap," meaning, presumably, his Never Ending Tour. Well, I've seen parts of that tour the last two summers, and I say parts because for me they were such boring, one-note, indecipherable affairs that I left pretty quickly.

But, hey! That's just me. I definitely do not deny Bob Dylan's huge impact on me, and while his own music hasn't retained its staying power in my life, everything else it brought me still has, and to an immeasurable degree, helped make me who I am.

Monday morning magazine roundup

Just when we were thinking to ourselves, "Gee. Time's 'Sex. Lies. Arrogance. What makes powerful men act like pigs" cover was insulting to the piglet in the lower right corner, we saw the apologetic asterisk next to it saying, "No offense." Well, being men, we're kind of offended--but then again, we're not powerful--so they're not talking about us. Inside, Tim Pawlenty says he can win the election--though he seems to be the only one who thinks so.

Maybe Timbo should blame Fox News. According to New York's cover story, Fox News "made a circus out of the Republican Party--and boy, does Roger Ailes regret it now." Wethinks they give Fox too much credit--and wonder if Ailes knows what regret is.

Bethenny Frankel is "the It girl of reality TV" on the cover of Forbes, the story being "The new celebrity money makers--the rise of Hollywood's entrepreneurial elite." Frankel earned her cover spot for selling her line of Skinnygirl drinks for $100 million. The mag also positions her at No. 42 in "The Celebrity 100--the richest stars": The list is topped by Lady Gaga, who's not the richest, but the biggest celebrity--or so says Forbes. More substantial and admirable, though, is the list of 18 people who have donated over $1 billion, headed by Bill Gates and his $28 billion in donations--half of his net worth.

With the season of American Idol coming to a close, The Hollywood Reporter offers an "Idol players tell all" in its "How a Hit Show Was Reborn" cover story, the picture featuring the show's four on-air stars. "Hot news form Cannes" can be found inside, along with the "awards show host crisis" (the Emmys', in particular) and Todd McCarthy's review of the Cannes winner Tree of Life.

Finally, Billboard is wrapped in a "Mana Drama Y Luz" ad, with the inside cover going to "not your normal indie rock star" Bon Iver. It also features a late-night guide to the talent bookers of the Fallon, Letterman, Lopez shows, and more.

Subway Choir

(Jim Bessman, 5/21/2011)
A Mennonite choir sings hymns of truth and grace at 42nd Street Subway Station, the afternoon of the Rapture.

Lego Lion

(Jim Bessman, 5/21/2011)
A lion made of 30,000 Lego bricks, by Nathan Sawaya, a.k.a. the Brick Artists. It and a companion lion were made to honor Patience and Fortitude, the iconic lions that grace the front of the New York Public Library's library, on the occasion of its 100th birthday. The two Lego statues will be moved inside after this weekend.

Harmon Killebrew and boyhood dreams

Playing centerfield and batting cleanup, Number 44, Henry Aaron…AARON.

Hank Aaron. Now there's a ballplayer's name. A real baseball player's name. Like Harmon Killebrew.

I was actually thinking of Harmon Killebrew's name when the news alert came in last week that he had died. It was only a matter of time, obviously, since he had announced just a few days before that he was ending his fight against esophageal cancer, which had been diagnosed only last December.

Killebrew's death brought forth a slew of nostalgic reminiscences from Facebook friends and tributes from sportswriters everywhere. I, too, got into the act, with an appreciation piece I wrote for examiner.com, in which I noted that as great a hitter as Killebrew was, he was apparently as great a human being.

Phil Mushnick, the great sportswriter for The New York Post, picked up on both aspects in his tribute: "Was there ever a man with a more appropriate name than Harmon Killebrew?" Mushnick wrote. "A fellow named Harmon Killebrew could not have been a spray hitter or middle reliever. He could only have been a big, bald, friendly guy from Payette, Idaho, who hit 573 home runs. And Killebrew didn't use steroids or HGH, just a bat."

But the death of Killebrew stirred deeper emotions in those of us who were kids when he was at the height of his career. The death of any boyhood hero will have an effect on the boy who still lives inside the man.

Playing first base, Number 9, Joe Adcock…ADCOCK.

Joe Adcock was first baseman for the Milwaukee Braves in 1957, the only Milwaukee Braves team to win the World Series. I was only five-years-old in Milwaukee then, but Adcock's name, Aaron's and so many other (Eddie Mathews…MATHEWS, Warren Spahn…SPAHN, Lou Burdette…BURDETTE, Andy Pafko…PAFKO, Del Crandall…CRANDALL, Billy Bruton…BRUTON) are indelibly etched in boyhood memory from hearing the Milwaukee County Stadium announcer repeat each name twice--then reading about what they all did that night in the next day's papers.

Then there was Earl Gillespie. The voice of the Braves from 1953 to 1963, Gillespie was an excitable radio sportscaster who drove my father crazy with his theatrics--which I loved. He always used to shout "Holy cow!" whenever there was a spike in the action (this carried into his broadcasts of University of Wisconsin-Madison football games, i.e., "Holy cow! What a boot!" to make vivid a long punt). His signature home run call went something like this: "Here's the pitch to Henry Aaron. [Excitedly] It's a swing and a drive way back into center field! This could be…IT IS! A home run for Henry Aaron!"

Other things I think I remember but I'm not sure. I think we had the great Braves reliever Don McMahon come visit us once at an Indian Guides meeting (the Indian Guides were a father-son YMCA program for kindergarten through third grade) but it might have been a different Brave. And I'm pretty sure I saw Sandy Koufax hit his first homer--he only hit two--off Spahn at County Stadium in 1962, beating the Braves 2-1 (he laughed as he rounded the bases, like he couldn't believe that he did it and was embarrassed, as he was a terrible hitter).

I also think I remember seeing the Chicago White Sox's Nellie Fox hit two homers in one game at Comiskey Park in Chicago, and remember seeing someone hit an inside-the-park home run (I think it was the Cubs' George Altman, maybe).

But what I really remember is fantasizing every night Earl Gillespie reading my name off a Braves' lineup card, "Jim Bessman…BESSMAN"--and feeling an awful letdown: Bessman…BESSMAN just didn't have the authentic baseball ring of Aaron…AARON, Adcock…ADCOCK or Bruton…BRUTON, say. And besides, I sucked at baseball. To this day I'm haunted by my ineptness at the plate, in the field.


I couldn't hit worth a shit. Invariably struck out. Dropped fly balls, that is, if I got anywhere near them to begin with. Grounders went through my legs. Never got any better at sports as I got older.

But now and then I can hit a fairly decent golf ball--when I don't slice it into the next fairway. Talk about finding water, I once found water playing in the desert in Scottsdale! But what always bothered me is I could never hit it very far--seeing as though I'm a good 20-30-40 pounds overweight at close to 200. God knows I'm heavy enough to hit a baseball out of the park--let alone a 250-yard drive off the tee.

It must be a wonderful thing, hitting a home run. That's why all these contemporary players just stand there and admire themselves while they watch their drive fly way back into center field and invariably hit the wall--if it goes that far--and then they're stuck with a single when if they'd run it out, like they did back in Killebrew's day, like any kid knows how to do, they'd have made second, easy.


God, I'd love to see if I could do it! Some years ago I walked the field of the Tulsa Drillers minor league ballpark when I was there for a Beach Boys concert. Tried to figure if I could hit one out. Did the same a couple summers ago at New Britain Stadium in Connecticut, when Bob Dylan did his minor league baseball stadium tour with John Mellencamp and Willie Nelson. Didn't think I could.

I mentioned this a few years ago to my old music business friend Steve in Nashville, how I wondered if I could hit a homer in a real ballpark. Steve's tall and lanky, a great athlete, who played college ball and earned a tryout with a minor league team--until he got busted for pot, cruelly ending his big league ball dreams. Now he was playing in some serious summer leagues and coaching his son's Little League team ("Shake a hand, make a friend," he instructed his kids, as they shook hands with the opposing team after every game. I'll always remember that).

"We have a game tomorrow afternoon," Steve said one day in June when I was in town on country music business. "Come on down and I'll pitch to you."

Okay. It was a just a Little League park. But it had a fence and everything. It was the chance I'd been dreaming of for some 40 years, probably.

Now Steve had long explained to me that weight has little to do with home run power. It's bat speed, really--just like in golf, it's club head speed. It's a simple matter of physics--if physics is a simple matter.

Steve also tried to explain that the way a power hitter swings the bat is that one hand pulls, the other pushes, and there's a real snap to it. Of course I had no idea what he was talking about and was going to have to just swing a bat stupidly with both hands like I always did and hope I hit more than air. At least I remembered to step into it.

But I hadn't swung a baseball bat since I started wearing glasses--and that felt odd. I also hadn't taken into account my hands blistering, and even though I train in Filipino stick fighting, my hands swelled up and tore up pretty quick. I was making solid contact, but mostly line drives and grounders. But I finally got one up and way, way back, this could have been...and IT WAS! A home run for Jim Bessman…BESSMAN! And yes, it was the thrill of this boy's lifetime.

I ended on that high note, and Steve asked me to throw a few to him. He hadn't hit in a while, and I hadn't thrown in a lot longer and could barely get it anywhere near the plate--let alone in Steve's strike zone, big as it is.

I don't know what's harder, hitting a ball or throwing one, but I finally served up one that Steve could chase down, lean over, and essentially scoop up out of the dirt and launch like a rock out of a catapult over the fence, over a building, on and on until it soared out of sight. My mouth is open now in awe just remembering it.

And that's the glory of sports. The joy of being a kid, of having heroes like Harmon Killebrew. God bless him. He didn't disappoint.

Wednesday morning magazine roundup

People's on top of the big Schwarzenegger split ("Maria's Broken Heart") with a cover shot of the couple in happier times. Exclusive Britney backstage photos and "Glam in Cannes" Brad Pitt are distant seconds. Us misses out completely in taking the Blake and Miranda wedding route, picking up on the Ashton vs. Charlie comparison as a secondary story.

Will and Kate take the cake on In Touch Weekly's cover via their devastating "baby heartbreak" (the mag also goes with a "Charlie threatens Ashton" report inside). "Angie Catches Brad" (with the nanny!) in Star, which also plays up the Schwarzenegger scandal in the margin. Life & Style observes "It's War" ("Housewives" Teresa and Melissa most shocking fight ever), while OK USA discovers "Another Teen Mom Baby" (Leah).

W goes with a "Fantastic Women (and Tom Hanks!)" cover with Julia Roberts paired with Hanks, and Penelope Cruz, Naomi Watts, Rachel McAdams, Alicia Keys and Scarlett Johansson listed alongside. Lynn Hirschberg reports on Woody Allen's movie muses.

Marie Claire has "badass!" Kate Hudson and Ginnifer Goodwin on the cover and discussing babies, weddings and body issues inside. The cover also highlights inside poop on summer fashion and "wicked sexy hair." Rachel McAdams is a lovely Elle cover, and Penelope Cruz looks especially pretty on the cover of Vogue (Teen Vogue has Selena Gomez, who "wants to be in love" at this point in her life).

Seventeen fronts Pretty Little Liars' Lucy Hale and "the juicy secret she's been keeping--until now." Apparently, January Jones needs "to go away…and kiss other men"--at least according to the cover of Allure (the ish also presents its Readers' Choice Awards for all your winning beauty products). And In Style has Taylor Swift embodying its "What's Sexy Now!" heading (she also dishes on fame, guys and fashion).

GQ's got True Blood's Alexander Skarsgard ("What's he got that all the ladies want?" Read it and find out). There's also a "20 years of Nirvana" inside story. Men's Health has gotten some notice already for putting "America's fittest congressman" Aaron Schock on the cover, where he shows off his "political muscle"to go with its "sculpt summer abs" feature. Glee's Heather Morris graces the cover of Women's Health, and we'll take her abs over Schock's any day.

Time Out New York gives us "the best summer concerts," with a scratch-off cover promotion offering a pair of tickets to the coolest show this summer. Paper's goes old school with Duran Duran on the cover, and Black Book has a music issue with The Kills on its "Lust for Life" cover--also containing a removable Ray-Ban water-squirter to go with an inside Gavin McInnes story about a water fight at South By Southwest.

Finally, TV Guide commemorates Oprah's farewell with a behind the scenes look at the end of a TV era.

Monday morning magazine roundup

Why are we stuck in Pakistan? Read Aryn Baker's cover story in Time to find out. The mag also asks if Jon Huntsman has what it takes to unseat the President, calling him, rightly, "a Republican Democrats fear" (unlike Obama's self-proclaimed "biggest nightmare" Trump), and reports on the Mississippi floods. And to honor Bob Dylan's 70th on May 24, they present a two-page Dylan timeline.

Newsweek, which today's New York Post slags off as a "chicks' magazine these days," illustrates why with its "The Good Wife 2012" cover concerning Republican presidential candidates' wives. With 92-year-old Billy Graham back from the hospital recuperating from pneumonia, the ish also examines the fight for his legacy; on the health tip, too, Magic Johnson reflects on his 20 years of living with HIV. Newsweek's "special double issue" also has an "exclusive report" on Pakistan's post-Bin Laden "ramp-up" of its nukes.

Glee fans take note: The Hollywood Reporter offers "Tales From A Finale" (something to do with an "exclusive" visit in NYC). The cover pic has seven of the kids at an upright piano, with the story recounting how the show pulls off its most ambitious (100 cast and crew) and expensive ($6 million) episode in its history. Other features focus on "ad buyers' private thoughts" regarding this week's "network upfronts" presentations of their Fall schedules, and "Oprah's new OWN woes."

TV, too, is the main interest of this week's New York, particularly "its creators"--including the makers of 30 Rock, The Good Wife and Community. Amy Poehler is on the cover, with other features including Roseanne's take on Charlie Sheen and "the hell of carrying a sitcom." The New Yorker plays up National Security Agency whistle-blower Thomas Drake, along with the GOP's starting lineup. Foodies may--or may not--digest "Test-tube Burgers" and the potential it presents for growing "slaughter-free meat"in the test tube.

At Adweek we learn that "Women run TV," the cover feature naming the 10 most powerful women in the business along with 20 more to watch. And finally, Billboard has "the ultimate summer preview" with "16 next-gen tours," among them U2, Britney Spears, Rick Ross, Taylor Swift and Janelle Monae pictured in a cover illustration carrying a surfboard on the beach.

--jim bessman

About

Gottfried's Journal is a function of gottfriedsnyc.com, the Web site for GNYC Delivery Systems, New York City's premiere delivery service. It is edited by Jim Bessman, a veteran New York music and entertainment journalist and author.

Bessman has written for scores of local, national and global publications, most notably Billboard, for which he served in various capacities for 25 years. He has written liner notes for over 80 albums as well as two books, Ramones--An American Band and John Mellencamp--The Concert at Walter Reed. His current work can also be found at examiner.com, where he writes the Manhattan Local Music Examiner and Baby Boomer Entertainment Examiner pages, and his own site, jimbessman.com.

Wednesday morning magazine roundup

It was inevitable. It's now all Pippa. People fronts her as "Princess Kate's stunning sister" in its "All About Pippa!" cover. She's "fun, flirty and suddenly famous, the knockout sibling who stole the show," says Peeps, but come on, People! She may be most all that, but she didn't steal the show from Big Sis. Otherwise the mag (which also has it's June Style Watch special out with Blake Lively on the cover) has Shania Twain dishing on finding "love after betrayal," the Schwarzenegger split and the McCartney engagement.

More Pippa--with Kate--on the cover of US, with the focus on Pippa (the side column hypes "Jesse vs. Sandra--A twisted insult" and "The Real World--Dustin explains his gay past). But Life & Style goes with "Harry & Chelsy world exclusive--Another Royal Wedding!" ("You're next," it says Prince Harry told his longtime love"); In Touch, however, gives the Second Couple short shrift with its "Chelsy & Pippa's fight for Harry" headline atop the title, the cover going to "Tormented Over Their Bodies"--you guessed it, the Kardashians. Poor things, their mom is "pushing them to have surgery." The mag also reveals "the truth about Bristol's new face."

Star has a horrible cover showing "Stars Without Makeup" (please, we won't say who), while OK USA has official word from Katie that yes, Suri will finally be a big sister!

Tatler goes with actress Lily Collins, Phil's lovely daughter; Playboy likewise has Mick Jagger's daughter Lizzy, while Maxim has Cameron Diaz. Elle UK's June issue has a great shot of Cameron Diaz on the cover, her thoughts inside on therapy, love and "that body." Vogue's UK edition asks "What is it about Alexa Chung," noting how "her singular style and girl-next-door personality have inspired a generation of tomboys, countless fashion designers and a sell-out bag." (Happy to see that the-girl-of-the-moment singles our our pal Tennessee Thomas as "my style heroine. She's a drummer in a band and she looks great in all-in-ones.") And Eva Green graces the cover of Harper's Bazaar's UK entry.

Oprah's O is celebrating "25 unforgettable years of the Oprah Winfrey Show," with the namesake signing off with a big cover "thank you…for the joy, the laughs, the lessons, the adventure of a lifetime." Meanwhile, Ebony has its "Music Issue" featuring 25 of the hottest artists of the year, with Jill Scott on the cover.

Finally, Rolling Stone features a black-and-white photo of a young Bob Dylan to go with its "70 Greatest Dylan Songs" listing commemorating Dylan's 70th birthday--with appreciations from the likes of Bono, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards and Lucinda Williams. Number One is no surprise: "Like A Rolling Stone." Our fave, "Blowin' In The Wind," reached No. 20.

Monday morning magazine roundup

Newsweek isn't the only news entity to play on the "Mission Accomplished" aspect of the Bin Laden demise, but also asks on its cover, "But are we any safer?" Its "special report" also examines the "President's triumph--Obama reborn" and "Navy Seals--coolest guys on earth." Contributors include Salman Rushdie, Elie Wiesel, Fatima Bhutto, Andrew Sullivan and Stephen Carter.

The New Yorker has a similar erased-out bin Laden illustration to go with coverage from Steve Coll, Lawrence Wright, Dexter Filkins, Jon Lee Anderson and Eliza Griswold. Inside stories also include "How does Pixar do it?" and "Alexander McQueen's tragic talent."

New York offers opposing Osama/Obama takes from Kurt Andersen/John Heilemann, and follows Out's recent feature on Justin Vivian Bond with its own "Between the sexes" look, along with a "Dressing Gaga" feature. But the cover goes to Wesley Wang's "Asian Like Me," with text beneath a faceless pair of eyes stating: "Here is what I suspect my face signifies to other Americans: an invisible person."

Even Entertainment Weekly goes bin Laden with George Stephanopoulos's "When the bin Laden story broke…." But Johnny Depp, in full Pirates 4 regalia, is on the cover, to go with his "How to build a better pirate" interview. The mag also plays up its "Mel Gibson goes crazy--this time in a movie" review of The Beaver: "This is high-quality work from a professional who…has recently sunk to terrible lows in his nonprofessional life."

Fortune fronts America's 500 largest corporations and takes us deep inside Apple, "from Steve Jobs to the janitor"; Forbes is a little more personal, with Dylan Lauren--Ralph's daughter--on the "Like father, like daughter" cover that also asks "Is entrepreneurial success inherited?"

The Hollywood Reporter wonders, re "Bin Laden, the movie," "Who'll get there first." Otherwise, its "Cannes Issue" has Penelope Cruz on the cover to go with its "Pirates 4 Takes the Croisette" cover.

Finally, Billboard goes with a "Cloud Control" cover, with white helium balloons lifting a cloud player into the sky. Pertinent stories inside include "Access vs. ownership--the new relationship between music buyer and seller" and "A post-MP3 world--FLAC files and the future of audiophile."

--jim bessman

Everyone loves a wedding, if not the Royal Wedding

Facebook friends being the only friends that really matter, I'm a little ferklempt to be under fire from one of my best Facebook friends, who took me to task for saying how much I loved watching the Royal Wedding, even to the point, I wrote, of weeping openly.

"Tear duct problem?" he wrote scornfully, though not without reason: Kvelling over the lifestyles of the rich and famous, especially the born rich and privileged, is not my style. Quite the opposite, in fact. That Kate Middleton is a commoner is irrelevant: How common is she, really, coming from such wealth while being so uncommonly beautiful?

Leave it to The New York Post's snark-infested columnist Andrea Peyser to trash it without mercy--and not much more merit. Bad enough the Royal Wedding was "bigger than the Super Bowl and as tacky as a legion of Elvis impersonators," she wrote. "Most of all, it was disturbingly white [my italics added]."

White? Well, it is the Royal Family of England--not Swaziland! She played the race card a second time in belittling the unwashed masses: "Brits in T-shirts and jeans gathered for days to catch a glimpse of the white folks riding to Buckingham Palace."

Apparently, she didn't see the foreign dignitaries--many in national costume--including the Ambassador of Oman, the High Commissioner of Ghana or the High Commissioner of New Zealand (garbed in a traditional Maori cloak); no mention, either, of the Chief Rabbi, Lord Sacks, or the Venerable Bogoda Seelawimala--acting head monk of the London Buddhist Vihara. I probably wouldn't have recognized the President of the Zoroastrian Trust Funds of Europe, so I can't slight her for that.

Kate, Peyser said, "bore the look of a lithe human sacrifice." For those of us who can relate, Prince William fared even worse in her description of him as "the badly balding heir to the throne." She somehow found his "You look beautiful" pronouncement to his betrothed "dorky," and derided "the pomp and ridiculousness [that] spilled to the streets."

Again, she must have missed the joyous multi-colored crowds in Trafalgar Square, which reminded me of the Obama inauguration in Washington, D.C., where it was likewise people of all ages, races and walks of life coming together in celebration. No, for Peyser it was all "a worldwide showcase of dreadful hats, fad diets and an unusually sour, lemon-yellow-clad queen."

But British writer Roger Bennett, who was no less irreverent in his commentary for MSNBC, saw it differently--and with English eloquence and depth: "She's a vestige of England's empire long gone, where the sun never sets. She's the one constant and the human personification of everything that is and was once great about this country."

Back to Facebook: "[I'm] not saying 'off with their heads' but c'mon, this is the 21st Century!" my L.A.-based friend said. "OK, they can be King and Queen of Disneyland."

Storybook Land, for sure! British music journalist Mick Brown was one of many who contrasted the "fairytale of popular imagination" that William's mother's ill-fated wedding was supposed to be with what seemed to be the reality of his own.

"The fact that Prince William should have chosen to marry through genuine love and affection rather than by royal arrangement, surely presages a different future for the monarchy, less hidebound by tradition, a king with the common touch," Brown wrote in The Telegraph. Vividly describing "a ritual steeped in history" as well as "a pageantry that was at the same time magnificent and vaguely preposterous; irrational, and profoundly moving," he called the Royal Wedding "a matchless act of high theater, resonant with history, tradition and the inescapable feeling of the institution of the monarchy being reshaped before our eyes."

The benefit to "the spirit" of England, Brown stated, "in an age of increasing cynicism, when Britain’s sense of national self-hood has never been more fragile, is incalculable."

But Brown also observed "a delightful sense of informality" within "an occasion of high majesty." And who would he be sitting next to but the the teary-eyed High Commissioner of Swaziland. "It's been so wonderful," he quoted her as saying. "We all love them so much."

Simply put, "everyone loves a wedding," Brown concluded, and in this rare case I include myself.

Wednesday morning magazine roundup

Time has a special "End of Bin Laden" issue with a portrait of OBL crossed out with a red 'X'--a gimmick used before for the deaths of Hitler, Saddam Hussein and Iraq's Ab Mousab al-Zarqawi.

OK! USA goes with an OBL cover, too. "Justice!" it shouts, with a picture of firemen raising the flag at the World Trade Center. In Touch goes with "Angelina Caught Cheating!" (a world exclusive tell-all), Life & Style fronts "Brad's Heartbreak." Star has "Jen's Secret Lover Tells All!"--while giving us a glimpse of "Beyonce's new boobs" on the side.

Katy Perry is on the cover of Vanity Fair with a headline "There's even more than meets the eye!"--though it shows plenty there, too, that does meet the eye. Inside stories include Jonathan Alter's "Hillary Clinton's third act--Dealing with Obama, saving the world, sneaking brownies," "Charlie Sheen--Inside the meltdown of all meltdowns" and "The untold story of Elizabeth Taylor's final days."

Nylon's "Young Hollywood Issue" stars Emma Roberts and Rory Culkin on the cover, which trumpets "67 stars of tomorrow." For the second year running, the mag has partnered with YouTube in providing corresponding video content.

Nice icy blue shot of Michele Williams on Interview's cover to go with her "The Art of Independence" feature. Michael Stipe, Kristen Wiig, Olivier Theyskens and Plan B are among the inside stories. Zink's cover goes to Kid Cudi and his "Pursuit of rock and roll, fashion and fresh starts"; Shipley & Halmos, Sally Lapointe and Christina Perri are featured inside.

Fergie's on the cover of Lucky, and relates her takes on "flirting, high heels and her insane abs" inside. We repeat: Her insane abs.

Finally, Time Out New York's "Summer Preview" of top concerts, outdoor events, food and drink fests, dance parties, art shows, etc., presents Saturday Night Live's trio the Lonely Island on the cover and offers their picks inside.

--jim bessman

Monday morning magazine roundup

Bloomberg Businessweek has an angry Donald Trump headshot barking on the cover with the word "Seriously?" alongside. Clearly, it didn't see the Correspondents' Dinner Saturday night. Then again, all this morning's magazines are hopelessly outdated with the late-breaking Bin Laden news of last night.

At least the Royal Wedding had the weekend to continue its warm glow. People's special collector's issue features a 72-page royal wedding album. Us Weekly has the Royal Kiss on the front (with a "Kardashian Vacation Album" highlighted in the margin), and Newsweek, which has its own special commemorative issue, has a wedding picture on its regular issue cover, with a wedding report inside from editor-in-chief Tina Brown (and an "Is Sarah Palin Over?" story inside). Time, which also has a special commemorative issue, virtually ignores the Wedding entirely in its regular magazine, though its "exclusive report" on FBI director Bob Mueller, "The Terrorist Hunter," seems like a losing cover choice sales-wise.

Entertainment Weekly, meanwhile, goes with an "exclusive first look" at Breaking Dawn, the two-part Twilight finale, with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson on the cover, of course. New York has an "Extreme Decor" home design cover feature, with the striking painted canvas bedroom cover shot looking more like an arty illustration than the real thing. An inside story looks into the controversial "Madonna, Kabbalah, Malawi" connection.

Love The New Yorker's cover illustration of mothers strolling their babies through Central Park--with one unattended gaint stroller containing 16 babies. Inside features include "On Libya's front lines," "Beating the death penalty" and "Jane Fonda's performances."

And ending where we began, Adweek has a golden Trump to go with the "Brand Trump--The name that grew and grew" cover story. Interesting inside is "Annals of Hype: The Beastie Boys do postmodern super-meta marketing."